Wednesday, September 28, 2005

Zip

It's late/early and I can't sleep. No one is awake and I'm afraid to wake anyone. If I do, someone will worry that something is wrong. While something IS wrong...right now, I just needed to know I'm not sitting here alone. I want my loved ones to sleep, however, so I shall sit here and type to the cyber world.

I am sobbing, silently, as Tessa sleeps in a recliner not far from me. I can hear my Dad snoring in the den, with the sound of Hannity in the background. He has once again used that show to bore himself into sleep. While I cannot hear her, I know that Sophie is directly above me, probably curled up next to Orange, awake in her own thoughts. I know that my Abu is sleeping within distance to hear me, but yet, I still feel alone, too worried to wake anyone else. They need sleep, too, right?

I don't know where I am going with this. Just that I'm scared. Scared of living and scare of dying. Scared of staying and scared of leaving. Scared of holding on and scared of letting go. It's not important, I guess.

Ria gave me a couple of ideas to post when I couldn't post,but still wanted to write. For the past hour, I have been working on this. I think I am going to continue this as time permits, I learned several things about myself while composing it. Look for more postings this week, if a guest blogger is needed, there will be one. Someday, I can explain to you all what is going on here. As I said earlier...for now, just trust that I am being well cared for.

1. What time do you get up? Moments after the nightmares wake me.
2. If you could eat lunch with one person, who would it be? Abu and George. Yup.
3. Gold or Silver? Silver.
4. What is your favorite TV show? Gilmore Girls. I’m a sap.
5. What was the last film you saw at the cinema? Um. I have no idea. The Wedding Date?
6. What did you have for breakfast? Ice Chips
7. Who would you hate to get stuck in a room with? My Aunt Bonn. There would be blood loss.
8. What/who inspires you? Creative flow inspires me. Who? My family.
9. What is your middle name? Not on your life will I publicly share this.
10. Beach , City or Country? I am my mother’s daughter...beach. Always the beach.
11. Favorite ice cream? Cherry Garcia. Is there any other?
12. Buttered, plain or salted popcorn? Plain with Ranch Dressing powder on top.
13. Favorite color? At the moment...clear.
14. What kind of car do you drive? In America, a Navigator. In Germany, a Volvo.
15. Favorite Sandwich ? Tomato on white bread with salt, pepper, and dash of low-fat mayo.
16. What characteristic do you despise? Lying, to others and to yourself.
17. Favorite flower? Calla lilies and French Tulips
18. If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation, where would you go? Canada
19 What color is your bathroom? Here, it is black and white. Sara did it, I can’t change it.
20. Favorite brand of clothing? Anything made for the giant in me.
21. Where would you retire to? Somewhere with water and peace.
22. Favorite day of the week? Any day that doesn’t end in Y.
23. Favorite sport to watch? Football. Have you seen the tight ends of the Titans????
24. Where were you born? Newcastle, WY
25. What did you do for your last birthday? I cried with Kay. Christmas really sucks lately.
26. What fabric detergent do you use? Tide, Clean Breeze
27. Coke or Pepsi? Diet Coke with Lime
28. Are you a morning person or a night owl? Both, I think. Sleep isn’t nice anymore.
29. What is your shoe size? It’s in the double digits. Way up there.
30. Do you have any pets?
Zin thinks she owns me. Bella hates me. Orange bites me.

Tuesday, September 27, 2005

Meme

A longer update at some point in the future. For now, just a note to thank you for your prayers, concern, and support. Someday, I will be able to bring myself to tell you what has happened in the past few days. For the moment, please know that I am being well cared for, we all are. I am in awe of the love that has been expressed for this family.

I wish this post could be longer, but it can’t be, point blank. Instead, I am taking Ria’s lead and posting this little get to know me entry. More to come later, I promise.

University:
Duke (Go Blue Devils!)
Song: Let It Be, The Beatles
Album: Smell the Color Nine, Chris Rice
Movie: Sweet November
TV Show: Gilmore Girls
Actor: Vin Diesel (JD is so wrong!)
College:
Wellesley
Cook Book: Any book that has a number to the local take-out.
Shampoo: Nexus
Store: Bed, Bath, & Beyond and/or Bath and Body Works
Starbucks Drink: Carmel Apple Cider
High School: Any school that I don’t have to teach in.
Bookstore: Barnes & Noble
Clothing store: AE
Smell: Romance, by Ralph Lauren or Angel Heavenly, by Victoria’s Secret
Sport: Soccer and tennis
Food: Sugar-free French Vanilla pudding
Form of art: Contemporary Abstract
Decade: The 00's haven’t been great...but I wouldn’t go back to any other decade.
Time to go to sleep: When I’m not alone.
City: Where my heart is...
Magazine: Cosmo or Redbook
Boy: Boy? Think Man.
Band: Casting Crowns
Doughnut:
Krispy Kreme New York Cheesecake
Record Store: Sam Goody
Beatles Album: Yellow Submarine
Method of Birth Control: Abstinence?
Kind of Computer: At the moment...Dell. Yesterday? Sony. Next Week? Toshiba
Little brother: Nada
Room: Sara’s room upstairs.
Writing utensil:
PaperMate™ Liquid Expresso Extra Fine
Bag: Coach
Pocket Satchel (The best money ever spent!)

Thursday, September 22, 2005

Support

I am struggling with what words to say as I sit here and beg for prayer for my second mother. I don't think words are enough right now. I am sure you have read the comments on the previous post that Jane left. We need to be in prayer for Shelly. I am not at liberty to say much more than just to pray. The family needs our support, and if the only thing you can do it pray, please do.

Sunday, September 18, 2005

Verizon

Thank you all for you patience and well wishes during this past week. While I have not been able to respond to the many e-mail messages sent, nor have I have been able to return any of your phone calls, I have been made aware how many of you are watching over me during this time. I can’t promise when I will be able to respond to each of you, just know I’m trying and I will at some point get back to all of you.

Life isn’t going so well here. My Dad and Sophie are hanging on with help from the mass of people that love us so much. We have daily visitors here that are helping to keep the house together and to keep those two fed in my absence. As for me . . . well, I can’t share what is going on with me, but I can ask you to please continue to pray for strength, not only for myself but for my Dad and Aunt Sophie as well. God is breaking us, our spirits are broken already, our hearts are shattered, but right now, we don’t have anything left to hang on for or to.

I wish I had more to say or the energy available to say it. I have spent the last few hours searching thru Mom’s computer looking for something. Instead of what I wanted, I found dozens of photos that brought me to my knees and many more things that flooded my eyes with tears. I miss my Mom so much. Right now, I need her more than anything. I need my sister. I need my Aunt Kay. I need to know I’m not alone on my path. I keep trying to remind myself of my Mom’s words that we are so blessed . . . but I can’t. Blessings do not seem so clear right now.

Again, just as last week, I cannot promise when the next one will come either. I will update as I can and again, if need be, a guest blogger is in place. As stated above, I am not doing many of the return phone calls, but they have been handling everything. Just as it was last week, if you need something, please feel free to call my Dad or Aunt Sophie’s cell phone(s).

As some of you may have noticed, there is a secondary post under this one. That is because I wanted to share two separate songs with you this evening. The first (listed in this post) is a song that describes exactly where I am tonight. The second (listed below) explains how much I just want this to be over. To listen to both, just press the forward arrow button.


Please listen. I need you to hear me.

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True

as my memory rests
but never forgets what I lost
wake me up when September ends

summer has come and passed
the innocent can never last
wake me up when September ends

ring out the bells again
like we did when spring began
wake me up when September ends
(press the play button to hear it)



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Sunday, September 11, 2005

Petrified

Never in my life have I felt more loved nor more alone than I do at this time. The past five days of my life haven’t been the toughest that I have dealt with, but they come very close in ranking at the top in the list of toughest times of my life. Thank you for all of your prayers, visits, calls, e-mails, and mail sent during the past few days.

Due to being so loved, we have had a houseful of company. Tessa, Denver, and Dustin made a flying trip here from Boston and will be returning home tomorrow evening. Jane, Ellie, and Rush made the four hour drive to be with us and left for home this evening. Our neighbors have once again showered us with thoughtfulness and love by doing simple chores for us, stocking the freezer with easy to prepare meals, and taking care of the animals during our absence. As my Mom would say, we are so blessed.

Our lives are upside down right now. I can’t share with you the trials we are currently facing, no one could understand. I miss my child, my husband, my life. However, my child is safe right now. My husband is doing what he loves, and my life? Well, my life as I once knew it is over and will never be the same again. I am hurting physically and as Jane stated in a comment left last week, I am hurting emotionally as well. I am trying to hold on to everything I can, but truthfully, the only thing that brings me joy is hearing from my Abu, knowing that someone is fighting as hard as I am, for me, simply because they care about what happens to me.

Tonight, my family and extended family attended a memorial service held at FPBC to honor all 9/11 victims. I had planned on going, had my tribute written, put on the waterproof mascara, but at the last minute, became unable to attend. Everyone else went instead at my insistence. I took the time to draw a bath, turn all the lights off, and cry while sitting in a tub of bubbles. I sat there until they came home, found me sitting in a tub of cold water with no bubbles remaining. As Sophie helped me to blow-dry my hair, she just let me cry and didn’t try to tell me everything is going to work out, that this will not destroy us any further. She knows enough by now to know that nothing is ever going to be all right, never again.

The posts will be erratic this week due to things that are beyond my control. There may even be a guest blogger if life demands it. I can’t control when the next post will be, just know I am aware of how much I am loved and thank you for the prayers.

Four


Four years and it seems like a lifetime.

Four years since Alex woke me from a sound sleep shouting the words "Our Country, Our Country."

Four years since I received an emergency phone call from Peter who told me he was about to call my parents, Karen was on that flight.

Four years since the last time I felt safe in my homeland.

Four years and it seems like yesterday.

Wednesday, September 07, 2005

Inexpressive

I promised a post tonight and it's not happening, I'm sorry.

It isn't a matter of not wanting to post, but rather a matter of not having the right things to say. I could try to come up with the words, but nothing could even come close to what I am feeling right now. While the post from yesterday was not intended to scare anyone, I am now aware it did. Please know that I am safe and be taken care of by the people that love me. While I am falling apart inside, I know that there are people standing here ready to pick up the shattered remains. I am safe from myself tonight, please don't worry.

I will be unavailable for posting, returning calls, or responding to e-mail until late this weekend. If you need anyone, someone will be available on Dad or Sophie's cell phone(s). I can't promise when the next post will be, just know it is coming. If something should happen that extends my absence, I am sure there will be a short update from Ria if need be (thanks in advance, Ria).

Monday, September 05, 2005

Alerts

We interrupt the regularly scheduled broadcast to bring you this late breaking news.

Shelly has cried herself into a state of emotional exhaustion and can’t find the strength to type a rational post. A normal post is expected by tomorrow.

We now return you to your regularly scheduled broadcast.

Sunday, September 04, 2005

Dissimulate

It’s been so long since I took the time to write a post, but one has been brewing in my head for days, if not weeks. I have so many topics to speak about and don’t have any idea of where to start or where to end. First topic? Betrayal . . . a funny word. Webster’s defines betray as the following:

Betray >verb 1 act treacherously towards (a person, country, etc.) by revealing information to or otherwise aiding an enemy. 2 be disloyal to. 3 unintentionally reveal; be evidence of.

I can define it in a much more simple manner. My Dad has had a long standing quote that sticks out to me at this very moment . . . "One lie will cause doubt to 1000 truths." In this case, it’s so fitting. Life will never be the same again and at my lowest, I was kicked in the gut by someone who loved me. I know now that I had mistaken love for misguided intentions of personal gain. There has been betrayal in the highest form and I am too weak to do anything about it. I don’t know who to reach out to, I don’t know what to ask for. What I do know is that we need help. I need someone to hold me and promise to never let go, even when I want to just drift off. We need help, not more hurt.

Life is full of curve balls and another has just been thrown at us, achieving a bull’s-eye hit upon impact. The last two weeks have been full of days that have been hard . . . Mom’s 61st birthday and the one month anniversary of Kay’s passing among the biggest . . . soon will be the anniversary of Karen’s passing and shortly after that, my Dad’s birthday.

I know most of you are wanting to know what was the cause of my sudden and unexplained absence. If only it was that simple . . . please know that I was safe and well-taken care of. So many of you called to check on my safety and became concerned upon not being able to reach anyone in the family. Please know that the remaining three of us are as safe as life will allow and we were together.

I would like to take a moment and thank all of you who left comments, instant messaged, or called in regards to my absence. My thanks to Ria who did a fine job of keeping the updates current as life and circumstances allowed.

I have so much left to say and not one more drop of energy to type it in. I promise, another update tomorrow.