Wednesday, August 17, 2005


If I could show you how broken my heart is at this very moment, you would run in fear. If I could show you the thoughts that have run across my mind recently, you would have me committed to the local psychiatric ward. I can’t show you these things, nor can I share them with you. Instead, let me tell you how we are doing here.

Sophie is struggling, but hanging onto everything she can. The day after we lost Kay, we had another bomb for our family to deal with and we are still reeling from it, Sophie most of all. If I were to tell you that it is harder to deal with than Kay’s death, it would be the truth. We have lost someone dear to our family, but not by death, rather by personal choice. We are left with a thousand and one questions that most likely will never be answered. Kay’s death was expected, losing this person was not.

My Dad is doing his very best to console everyone and handle everything. He is taking some time each evening to be with Andy and just enjoy what he can right now. Like Sophie and I, he is also struggling with the actions taken against this family in the past few weeks. He doesn’t understand anything more than we do and it is hard to realize that due to the hatefulness we have been shown, we may never have those answers.

They say what goes around comes around. I’m sure you are thinking that I might hope this person has the same heartbreak we have had. I don’t. I don’t want anyone, including my worst enemy to deal with this pain.

We are so very thankful for all of you. Your e-mails, phone calls, cards, letters, late night instant messaging, we love each of you for helping us thru this. We know that we are surrounded by love and yet, still feel horribly alone. Hearing that you are out there, for us, anytime . . . it does help. In a recent conversation, someone told me how inadequate she felt because she didn’t know how to help us. She told me this as she cried along with me. It helped, somehow. To know that we aren’t alone, helps.

Tomorrow I am taking Sophie to Tulsa for her monthly treatment and checkup. Another posting will follow tomorrow evening and again on Friday. I don’t know what the rest of this week will hold, for any of us. I do know that not one of us can hold on any longer, for any other blows.


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