Sunday, August 21, 2005

Borrowed

And the hits continue . . . day #? in what closely resembles hell.

Today’s subject other than the ever flowing tears? Today we are going to learn about trust and faith. Stay with me. I’m onto something. This week I have been given a huge lesson in both. A large many of you are aware that my reserve is nearly empty of both trust and faith.

I have learned this week that is okay to trust in the unknown, the untouched, and the unseen. It is okay to not know where to turn or what to do, but it is okay to trust in something you feel, but cannot see. Realizing of course that not all unseen things are real, I have learned to take the giant leap and open what remains of my heart and trust the untouched.

Faith? Faith is hard to come especially right now. However, I have been blessed enough to have someone love me enough to hold onto me when my faith is gone. They have faith for me, have instructed me on blind faith. (I thought long and hard about that phrase . . . blind faith. Isn’t all faith blind? No. I have learned this the hard way.) I am holding onto faith right now, blindly, but still holding on.

For more than 24 hours, I have been camping out on the sofa in the den, unable to sit up straight because my headache is ever present and a powerful one, to say the least. I’ve had a lot of time to think about this. I’ve also had some time to just be quiet and still and to listen to my heart. Throw in a few times that I craved noise and attempted to listen to music before the throbbing started . . . well, you can see I’ve had time.

I heard a song today regarding borrowing faith. That is what I have done to those who surround me right now. I have borrowed faith from them. I don’t have enough of my own right now. I have learned to accept help this week, or at least try to accept it. I am at the lowest point I have ever been in my life. Losing my sister was hard. Losing my Mom was hell. Losing Kay was horrendous. With that said, this is still the lowest point I have ever been in my life and I’m scared. I am reaching out and grabbing onto borrowed faith, so thank you for offering. I don’t have any other choice than to accept because at this point the only place I know to turn is death, my own. With that said, I accept.

I’m only hanging onto one thread of borrowed faith.

Please don’t let me go.

1 Comments:

Blogger ria said...

You won't be let go. I promise. I love you more than I can ever tell you. Shelly, I love you.
Your little Abu :D <-- blueberry muffin man.

9:53 PM  

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