Friday, July 29, 2005

Weak

I’m writing tonight the third hardest entry I've ever had to write and I can't stop thinking about my Mom's words . . . We are so blessed. Blessed to be loved, Blessed to be prayed over, Blessed to be surrounded by so many who care, and Blessed to have each other. Right now, being blessed is being outweighed by the fact that we are losing someone we all love very much. It feels as if we are cursed, not blessed. I know this is not the truth. It just feels this way.

Our dear friends arrived this evening from Boston. Tessa and Denver have been in our lives for several years and have stood by our family in the good times and in the bad. It was good to see them and we are grateful for their presence here in the next few days. Life is getting harder to deal with. Having someone else here helps, for the moment. Kay’s care is constant and around the clock, even with the changes you are about to read about. It takes a village . . .

I have so much to share and no more energy available to put forth into writing, so I am sharing an e-mail sent out today by my Aunt Sophie and a close family member.

"Our Dear Friends/Family,

Again, we would first like to thank you for all the support and concern shown for Kay, and our family through this very difficult time. We are so blessed with having all of you in our lives, and the outpouring of concern and love by way of emails, letters, phone calls, visits, food, (and others, so many to mention) has been overwhelming. Thank you, from the dark places where we have been, your support has given us constant light, something to keep encouraging us… much like a lighthouse in the middle of a horrendous storm, you have all guided us to where we are. THANK YOU.

Since we last emailed you, many things have transpired that we wanted you all to know about, and to keep you informed of. Every one of you is deserving of a phone call with this information. We hope and pray you understand that there isn’t time for this right now, nor do we have the strength to do this. So please, thank you for understanding all of what we are saying.

As of yesterday, Kay has been sedated to a state where she feels no pain. This was one of Kay’s requests. Because she was unable to communicate with us for a day, it was left to us to decide when that time would be. This has been difficult as you can imagine, she entrusted that we would do this, and we had no way of knowing if she would be able to communicate with us again. We certainly did not want to give up on the hope of that, but also, we did not, nor do we want her to be in pain. As a family, and we include Kay’s nurses in that description, we shared many thoughts and tears together. Caroline suggested that before sedation commenced, that perhaps we could lessen Kay’s pain meds to give her one more chance to respond. God granted us a gift, a tremendous gift. Kay was able to respond to questions by squeezing her hand, thus confirming that it was time. While this made the decision of "when" easier, it also has forced us to start grieving and start the letting go process. We are all doing the best we can. It is most difficult, and reminiscent of too many painful memories in our family.

Kay is getting the best care possible, as per her request, she is never alone. We are all very doing our best to make sure her wishes are being fulfilled. This involves much time and all of our energy. Sleep is a luxury that our bodies crave, but our hearts, minds and promises are making it difficult to get. As a result, we sleep in shifts, and are doing the best we can. We hope you understand that at this point, where we would like to ask you all, to please understand that unannounced visitations are too much for us now. We are SO very grateful for all of you, we do not want you to think we are anything but, please understand this request is helping Kay, and helping us to fulfill Kay’s wishes.

Her doctor believes that Kay will be receiving her wings this weekend. We believe this to be true as well. Only God knows. We would like to ask that you please continue all the prayers that have helped us get to this point. They are very much appreciated.

Now we would like to keep you up to date of another difficult subject. We will do our best to notify you all personally when Kay passes, if that cannot happen, we will email you again. As soon as the arrangements for her services are made, we will let you know, however we can. As per Kay’s request, we will be allowing as much time as we can prior to her service, for those of you traveling.

Thank you so much for being in our lives, for supporting us, for your prayers, and all the kind and wonderful random acts of kindness shown to us. We hope that you, like us, find relief in knowing that she is in no pain, and is in very peaceful sleep now. We are very grateful for that.

With much love and gratitude,
Sophie, Ben, & Shelly"

The tears are clouding my view of the screen, so I am going to share our appreciation with you all and say thank you for everything you have done and continue to do. I am leaving you with a quote that is guiding our lives right now. We are trying to realize this is the truth and we are trying to apply it to Kay’s final hours with us.

"Some people think it's holding on that makes one strong; sometimes it's letting go."
-Sylvia Robinson

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