Saturday, July 23, 2005

Rocks

An overdue post, but this is the best I can do given the circumstances right now. Since the last update, several things have happened. I have tried to catch up on e-mail in the last 24 hours. If you are still waiting for a response from something you sent, I promise I am trying to respond to each of you as much as time allows. (Tessa, don’t give up hope yet, I’m working on it.) I have also been trying to set up a Flicker or Zoto account (does anyone know about this?) in order to share some wonderful photos that I shot during events this week.

Sophie did come home on Monday has anticipated. She is tired, but the treatment seems to be working. She tells us each day of the changes she can see and we are noticing them more and more as well. We are grateful that this has worked and pray it continues.

Kay has had one very good day this week and the rest have been just as bad as Sunday was. Let’s start with her good day. That was Wednesday, the day of her rededication. She was bright eyed the morning of the service and she looked amazingly beautiful. The service could not have been more peaceful nor more personal, for which we are all grateful. Our utmost appreciation to all of the Pastoral staff and members of F.P.B.C. for a truly inspiring memory that none of us will be able to forget. (Photos coming once I figure out the previous mentioned Zoto and Flicker issues.)

After the service, Kay had already planned on going to speak with the funeral director, the same director who handled Sara’s service here and who handled all the arrangements of getting Mom to Boston after her death. He remembered us all too well and seemed very saddened to see us there. We felt the same about seeing him. She and Aunt Sophie handled the majority of arrangements, but it was extremely difficult to be there and to realize what we were doing. Kay was courageous enough to venture into the casket room and choose her own casket. This is something that I could never do for myself and have no interest in ever doing for anyone else as long as I live.

She has made her wishes very clear and as God as my witness, they will be followed. Sophie has dedicated her life to taking care of Kay and I truly believe she will harm the first person who tries to go against anything Kay has asked of us. We will be following her wishes exactly, no matter how hard they seem to us.

The rest of her days have been truly horrible. Between the frequent seizures, the increase in pain, and the near constant tears, Kay has said several times that she is ready for this to be over. As much as we don’t want to lose her, we are ready for her to be at peace. She has been sleeping for the greater portion of the last 24 hours. Again, it is much needed rest as the previous two nights were sleepless. This week has been the first week that she has actually asked for an increase in her pain medications. We are hoping and praying that the increase in medication is the cause of the extended sleep. Our minds tend to wander back to the afternoon of November 7th, 2004 and we begin to fear that life is repeating, yet again.

Much like my Mother did in her final weeks, Kay has reached a point that she has declined further clinical help in the form of transfusions. We have accepted this and respect her wishes. She has started to have moments of incoherent rambling. She clutches and grabs for things we can’t see and becomes filled with hysteria when we try to calm her. We have learned it is best to just observe at these times. I don’t think any of us have any hesitation about believing her when she tells us things such as "Shar was here" or "Shar told me."

A perfect example of this took place on Monday evening. We had torrential downpours and loud rolling thunder that continued for hours. During a brief pause in the downpour, we realized that there were five rainbows surrounding the house and took Kay outside to view them. She sat on the deck swing and quietly told us how she knew there would be rainbows because my Mom came to her and spoke of them. It is my ever hopeful prayer that Kay is given the same gift of "visitors" that my Mom had. I pray Kay is given the same angels to help her home with my Mom, the best one, holding her hand as she is called back to God.

I don’t know what the next few days will bring. My intellectual side knows what the last few days are pointing at, but my heart refuses to believe it. Kay is slipping from us, quickly. Her pain is no longer tolerable, for any of us and we all are praying for the same things that we prayed for with both my Mom and with Sara . . . peace. Peace is hard to come by these days.

To quote Forest Gump . . . "Sometimes, there are not enough rocks." There aren’t enough rocks to knock down the pain of watching this happen again. There just are not enough rocks to handle the pain I feel at this very moment.

3 Comments:

Blogger ria said...

Shelly,
On a technical note, might I reccommend www.photobucket.com I have been using this service for quite sometime, and have been very satisfied with it. If you decided to check it out, don't hesitate to ask for help.
And more personally, I am praying. I don't exactly know what it is that I am praying for? Maybe peace, maybe strength, maybe both. I don't know. Thank you for the nice talk we had once again.
I am here. You know that. Whatever you need.
With Love,
~erica

5:22 AM  
Anonymous Tessa & Denver said...

Shelly,

As the person above me stated, I don't know what to pray for at this point. I'm praying for peace, I just don't know who it is for right now. I don't even know what to say, other than we love all of you. If we can do anything at all, please just tell us.

In God's Peace,
Tessa & Denver

12:48 PM  
Anonymous Evan C. said...

Shelly,

I too hope that Kay and everyone else involved find peace. After everything you describe, I'm sure any resolution would be welcome. My prayers are with you.

As far as the photo question, I have both Flickr and Zoto accounts and they're both easy to use. Zoto has more free storage with no limits and I generally use them to post my pictures to my blog.

My thoughts are with you,
Evan C.

1:34 AM  

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